I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
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My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
a badder mouse
If you are reading this then you are reading this
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
The look of utter betrayal on my son’s face when he gets up past his bedtime & sees me eating cereal & watching cartoons is priceless.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
This Halloween I’m going as that friendly guy who walked around your college campus but wasn’t even enrolled & turned out to be 28 & then disappeared completely
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven