Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
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<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
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[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
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“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake