doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
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Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Still cracks me up
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
kids play hide and seek like
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.