It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
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Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.