“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
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“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.