Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
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Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
“Another job replaced by automation” I lament as a tornado seamlessly delivers a newspaper to every driveway on the block
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*