2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
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I’M CRYINGGG
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I drew y’all a little something.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first