I’M CRYINGGG
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Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. the captain can’t talk cause we both said “hope we don’t die haha” at the same time and i jinxed him
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me
ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place