What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
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My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
This kid is a star!
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
HR: We need to see you for a moment
Me: Is this about the nail clipping?
He: Yes. It’s our understanding that Linda did not ask you to trim her nails
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Got a call saying my son got caught lying, cheating & was being expelled. I don’t have a son. That kid is one damn good liar
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
This made me chuckle.
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”