Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
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[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though