Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
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Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
what my late-night hot pocket sees
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”