caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
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If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
✌🏽
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything