[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
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God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I’m a bad influence on myself.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea