Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
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It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
‘I just liked camping alone, you know?’
~Jason Voorhees, in therapy
You and your happiness can go straight to Walmart. Or whereever your “hell” is.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.