Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
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Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
The lid on our bottle of glitter is not childproof. I know this now.
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.