My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
You Might Also Like
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
This is no longer winter this is harassment
*his phone rings*
Me: who is she?
Him: huh
Me: who is Potential Spam!?
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
To be frank, I’ll need to commit an identity fraud.
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.