If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
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[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.