I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
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I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
You can’t outrun your problems…
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Very good! 👍😂
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Mood.. 😂
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you