My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
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DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
PHARAOH: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.
SUBJECT: should we leave them a note to explain how we did it?
PHARAOH: yes, take this down
SUBJECT: ok
PHARAOH: cat, dog, snake, bird, cat, man with the head of a cat, dog, cat, bird
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Mornin
fourth time’s the charm
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
there has never been a better use of this meme
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first