The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
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Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]