I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
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Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”My kids: can I have some of that bacon?
Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg**Makes cereal for my breakfast*
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
Saving my good tweets for marriage
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.