8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
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I can鈥檛 stop watching this video 馃槀馃槀馃槀
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?
– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]
King鈥檚 Men: all the King’s men are here
Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?
King鈥檚 Men: also, all the King鈥檚 horses
Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???
馃幎And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Honestly I don鈥檛 think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he鈥檚 waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 馃檹
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I鈥檓 downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
Me: I can鈥檛 get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that鈥檚 a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!