Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
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her: HELP ME! I’m bleeding out!
me: Not on my watch you aren’t!
her: Oh, my hero! Thank you!
me [tucking watch in pocket] Huh?
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
#MeanwhileInCanada
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Easy enough.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
You know in the first “Austin Powers” when Dr. Evil tells the therapy group about his childhood? I can deliver that bit of dialog verbatim from memory.
Interviewer: Um…yes, well I’m not sure that would be particularly useful in a hospice facility.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I would like even faster food.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap