Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
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Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Her: Look at my new shoes! They light up when I walk away…
Me: Doesn’t everyone?
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.