Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
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WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!