Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
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Spell check is for lasers.
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.