There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
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Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality![]()
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When your diet is finally over.
ME: *walks into a locksmith shop with hands cuffed behind my back* I was arrested but the cop let me go and he forgot to take off the handcuffs.
LOCKSMITH: Uh huh, sure, and you want me to—
ME: Can you scratch my nose?
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
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Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.