There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
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My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ