It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
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20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
never forget
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
I wish I could say it was the first time I’ve hidden in a dumpster.
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex