Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
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I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.