Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
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I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.