When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
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#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
MEDIC ALERT BRACELET:
Do not resuscitate. Erase the selfies on my phone or I will Amityville your house.
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.