Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
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I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[mini golfing]
CADDIE: for the 12th hole in a row, ur putter sir
ME: thank u
DATE: why did u bring a caddie
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
How do dragons blow out candles?
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
it must be school picture day
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
“You need to chill out, you’ve yelled at everything that isn’t a snack.”
–my 10 year old
my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Welcome to your 40’s: see that kid dressed up like a cop, he is a cop.
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
this is the news I live for
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.