exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
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Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
had to make it
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.