The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
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Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
911: How can I help you?
Me: MY HAND IS STUCK IN THIS PRINGLES CAN… I’M PANICKING
911: Let go of the chip Sir
Me: oh, ok….all good now
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods