Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.

Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill

Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.

However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.

My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*

[phone buzzes: text from wife]

*slowly puts toilet seat down*

Me: Just once?

Dog:

Me: Please?

Dog:

Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”

Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!

[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet

the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?

6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…

Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.

6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.

Yup.

[detention facility]

Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?

Jeoff: loitering

I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now

dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam