The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
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me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
[during sex]
Him: punish me baby
Me: OK *hides the TV remote*
Him: that’s not what i m—
Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*
Him: omg please, stop
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
It’s actually Dr. whatever
