Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO
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“what that mouth do?” complain
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Meme Monday.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator