Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
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I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
BREAKING
Scientists warn that Earth could run out of conspiracy theories by 2025 if they keep coming true at the current rate
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
not for long
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
“UNLESS WE’RE OUT OF CHEESE THERE’S NO REASON TO SCREAM LIKE THAT!”
– me to my kid whenever he throws a tantrum
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.