*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
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My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
I had to Stop for this
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*