I had to Stop for this
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“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
You know I’m something of a chef myself
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.