Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.