I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
You Might Also Like
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
I was just discussing this with my cat
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
When you don’t understand how floors work
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.