I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
You Might Also Like
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
For fun, I steal my married friends phones & change my name to
‘Brandy from the club’
then repeatedly call them & hang up at 3am.#topahole