If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
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Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
no!! no!!!!!!
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then