It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
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RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Get in loser we’re going crying
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.