ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
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When I hear the phrase “Freudian slip” I immediately imagine Sigmund in a revealing, yet tasteful nightgown. That can’t be healthy.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
I had this boyfriend who was hardcore. Mohawk, tattoos, piercings.
He went to jail and we would write letters. I wrote a letter with a Third Eye Blind lyric on it and he got it tattooed on his arm because he thought I wrote it. I never told him that I didn’t write it.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore