I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
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Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Reporter: *ports again*
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Me to 15: aw, you’re so handsome in your school pictures! Stop growing up so fast!
15: I just heard you and dad saying you can’t wait til I move out so my room can be a home gym.
Me: ……sooo handsome though..