I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
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My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
Me: These books are half price.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.