I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
![]()
You Might Also Like
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
It’s an epidemic…
![]()
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
I heard a photographer was killed in a freak accident when a large wheel of cheddar landed on her.
To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn her.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
![]()
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right
Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew