I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
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My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
PARKOUR
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten