I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
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* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace