Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
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Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?