*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
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Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.