*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
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Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
new career option?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels